The way-back machine

On the way to the bathroom the other day, I reached into a box waiting to be unpacked and grabbed an old journal. I needed some reading material--well, that's TMI. Anyway, this was a journal from 1995 and covered a time period during which I was recovering from surgery. I was doing some pretty good program work, reading, and Bible study during this time, but MAN, was my life ever stressful! A coworker, with whom I had gone out on a date the prior New Year's eve, was the subject of every journal post and about 90% of my prayers. Our date was the night before my brother died the following day. It may be that he did help me through some rough times, but by this time, some months later, things were really tough. I had forgotten all of this angst. Geeze, and just think, we went together for another 4 0r 5 years.

This was also the time period when I intuited the end of my CC symphony career. I was absolutely right, too! I am glad to have found this reminder of that bad time. I did not make up my misgivings--the proof is right there in what other folks were doing and saying to me.

I am an irregular blogger, just as I was an irregular journal-writer. The process does seem to help me work through particularly stressful times, though. I envy those folks, like Madeleine L'Engle, who journalled from her early years clear through her life. I'm just not disciplined like that. I suppose I'll forgive myself for that and just use this tool when it is helpful for me!

I will be using this blog as a helpful step in my renewed OA program vigor. This is the place for writing down what I might not share verbally in a face-to-face meeting, or it may be a place to put thoughts-in-progress, those things I am working through.

Finding the 1994 Time magazine and then this journal (I think they were in the same box out in the garage) gives me pause. 15 years ago--ohmyGOD!--things were really messed up. I was working and praying and reading my way through then; I have to continue to do that NOW. I have far less angst now, largely because my life has cleared out of friends and I have so little interaction. Regardless, the work process needs to be the same. I must keep doing the inner work. Thanks for THAT reminder.

Back in the Program!

Well, I've decided to walk the talk again. I am making a concerted effort in Overeaters Anonymous again, having made 2 online meetings yesterday and 2 today. With my nephew headed for some major jail time over his DWI's, I wanted to just grab him and have an intervention. However, I have no authenticity at this point regarding my own sobriety. Yes,

I did become abstinent from chocolate way back in 1988, when I first entered the COE program

in Amarillo, and I remain abstinent. Thanks be to God! However, my weight has continued to go up and down as I still eat as emotional response to stress--or loneliness--or anger--or sadness--or celebration--I could go on.......

I'm trying to educate my sis (the nephew's mom) regarding the helpfulness of Ala-Non for families of alcoholics, which my nephew has proven he is. She wants to fix him and force him into AA. He did attend court-ordered AA meetings in a previous rehab try, and it simply didn't take. He is, as he says, "a gambler", and he's gonna keep living on that edge, seeing if he'll get away with it one more time. Actually, he's never gotten away with it; He's been stopped numerous times, ticketed, arrested, and jailed. The only GOOD thing is that he's not yet killed himself or anyone else while driving.

Anyway, I can't talk about the benefits of a 12-step-program if I'm half-assed following my own. For my mental and physical health, I need to commit to cooking for myself, making healthier food choices, getting myself in the best possible physical condition, and then dealing with the spiritual and emotional side of all of that in the service side of OA. I will need to find a sponsor and make an effort to attend some face-to-face meetings. The only ones I've seen listed in CC are way the heck away from here.

As it now appears that Fabry's treatment is not in my future, at least until Replagal receives FDA approval, I'm going to have to make do with what I have. I am fortunate that my kidneys seem to be functioning normally, and my heart, though abnormal, is not worrisome. I'm not in a great deal of pain, either. I expect that to change the longer I'm off Cymbalta. The pain level will also rise as GL3 builds up more in my body as well, although exercise and dietary control may help reduce that a bit. Or, like my friend Donna L, I just may be HEALED and not need infusions or anything!! Unbelievable? Damn near! I believe; Help Thou my unbelief.

What's gonna happen with my volunteering at the Humane Society? The big dogs, like RALPH, are just killing me. The heat really got to me today, and I have a rash on my hands which looks suspiciously like what mom had from sun exposure. Mine is not bumpy or lumpy, it's just angry RED like a burn. It doesn't itch or burn. I thought it might be a leash or rope burn (thanks, Ralph, you big dog son-of-a-bitch), but it does appear on BOTH hands. I am treating it with what I have here--Benadryl ointment--and hoping it will go away and not progress like mom's rash did.

I walked (well, maybe that's not the term) 4 dogs today. Jack, the sweet beagle; Ralph, his sweet but hugemongous and hyper kennelmate; and 2 little dogs--a long-haired Chihuahua escape artist and a beautiful sheltie mix. Then one of the workers told me the sheltie had a broken leg that was going to be x-rayed tomorrow!!! The name they called the dog was NOT either of the names on the cards on their kennel cage. Am I really helping anyone by doing this? I started to do this because I missed my beagles so much and thought I needed to volunteer at something along that line. I have yet to last even an hour out there. The heat and the effort required to control dogs who are not walked often enough are wearing me out. I shut down the computer about SIX hours early tonight because I thought I could go to bed at 10:30. It nearly worked except that my big toe (injured 2 weeks ago, now turning RED and HURTING) kept me from falling asleep. Am I a whiner or what? Anyway, I am thankful for the angels who helped me catch my escaped dogs today. If I am doing something helpful to the GCHS, I'll keep on showing up out there. But it is NOT like walking my own dogs was; Nothing like it. I miss Webber and Lady Mac a lot. Poocherelli not so much. Oh, and Lady Mac's death anniversary is coming up on the 16th; She died while I was away teaching at WT band camp in, what, 2001?

OK, I'm ready NOW to try and sleep. I have been worn down to a nubbin today. I hope I can get up tomorrow and do it again (out of the heat this time) because I have LOTS of cleaning up to do around here. And, oh yeah, there's also, uhm, practicing for next Sunday and maybe even for

Stacy camp--only about 2 weeks away!

Okay--I am written out. Thanks for this day.